WorkPuzzle

Defining Happiness - Part 3: Coaching for Happiness and Confidence

The most popular WorkPuzzle blog to date is titled “Coaching for Confidence.”  In order to achieve a state of true confidence, you need to have worked hard at developing a talent or set of skills.  This development never comes easily and is always built with consistent and copious amounts of time and effort.

If you’ve read WorkPuzzle the last couple days (Part 1, Part 2), you know that science says the same thing about happiness.  Happiness, or a life with abiding and deep satisfaction, takes work.

For coaches, parents, and managers, this is invaluable information.  Only with this information firmly planted into your frontal lobe, can you know how to begin answering questions and fielding complaints regarding frustration, failure, roadblocks, and anxiety.

Let me give you some examples of what science says about happiness and confidence, and then tell you how to apply it:

1. Success and happiness never come solely from “the pleasant life.”  The pleasant life is defined as:  A life dedicated to maximizing the amount of pleasurable experiences in both frequency and duration.  People who value this goal above all others, exhibit more depression and anxiety, and are more likely to report feelings of “emptiness.”  (Martin Seligman, "Learned Optimism")

2. People report much greater well-being when working.  They feel stronger, more creative, satisfied, and good about themselves when they are at work.  Studies show that while at leisure, people fall into the range known as “apathy.”  They feel passive, weak, dull, and dissatisfied.

There is one more surprising finding here:  The above respondents, despite their “greater well-being”, ironically reported that they’d rather be somewhere else than at work.  The reason for this is that our culture has gradually created some very strong stereotypes about work, such as:  Work is an imposition, a constraint, an infringement of their freedom, and therefore something to be avoided.  (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi “Flow:  Psychology of Optimal Experience”)

So, as a coach, when someone complains to you about how difficult it is to achieve what they want to achieve, and they insist that it should be easier – Remind them that everyone would be happy, confident, and successful if fulfillment was easily achieved.  Assign them the task of asking the happiest, most confident, successful people they know, how they got there.

I guarantee that the answer would be a long list of trials, failures, starts and stops, and difficulty.  Welcome to the life of a happy person!

Ralph Marston said it this way:

“If it were quick and easy you would have already done it.  The fact that it is difficult and time-consuming means you’re doing something truly worthwhile.  The value of any achievement is built with the time and effort you put into it.  Keep going, keep building, keep at it and you’ll truly have something of great value.  It is often difficult to stay positively focused.  And it is always worth the trouble.  Sure, it would be much easier to do nothing.  Yet by doing nothing, you create nothing.  Instead, step forward and do the difficult work that must be done.  With each effort, you are adding more value and substance to the achievement.  Feel the satisfaction as you continue the difficult and rewarding work of building that achievement.  Know that the value has already started coming to life.”

Defining Happiness - Part 2: Coaching

Ben's article opens the door to possibly an entire series of articles.  You see, if we don't understand both the causes and the impact of happiness, we really can't have any influence over anyone.  We must appeal to what really makes people happy to engage them on any meaningful level.

All science around human flourishing can be summed up in one sentence: "It turns out that we are very poor predictors of what makes us happy."  (Seligman, Csikszentmihalyi, and Diener all say in separate writings)

Why are we such poor predictors of what makes us happy?  Basically, it's because we get sidetracked by the ever increasing availability and temptation of short-cuts and instant gratification.  Additionally, volumes of evidence suggests that for the last 60 years we have been told (from teachers, parents, media, friends, and public policy) that happiness is attained by those who increase their pleasurable experiences in both frequency and duration. 

Science, however, tells a different story...  Research shows that this mentality (the belief that we need to do more fun things in life to be happy) leads to an increase in societal and personal depression and anxiety.

Science has found that...ouch, here comes the bad news.. happiness takes work!  It takes character development, delayed gratification, engagement in ones work, strong marriage (this has the highest correlation to happiness), playing an active role in developing ones children, and having goals that are built upon deep beliefs and purpose.

Increasing happiness in ourselves and in others undoubtedly takes work.  But, if your responsibilities include coaching others, the knowledge is invaluable.  You can begin to ask:

1. Are you happy?
2. Let's figure out why or why not? (If I can't help your overall happiness quotient, what's keeping you from moving to another office?
3. What do you believe will make you happy here?
4. How are your goals in this job related to your overall goals in life? 

Side Note:  If the person only focuses on the financial picture, ask them:  How does this fit into your goals for your family, community, or faith?  If your approach strikes them as new and different, let them know that you are dedicated to helping them see the whole picture.  You want them to work hard, but it has to be toward something with more meaning than money (...although this is certainly part of the picture and not at all bad in itself!).

Here is an example of a work-related goal you may elicit:  "I want to be good at what I do, and service my clients better than they have ever been serviced..."  Now that's a goal!  But, again, it takes hard work.  When they succeed, they'll feel deeply satisfied and very grateful to you. 

It will take time, planning, execution, and effort, because remember...there are no shortcuts to happiness!

Defining Happiness

One of the purposes of WorkPuzzle is to facilitate a dialog concerning what makes people flourish in their work.  Typically, we address this topic from a scientific perspective.

Last week, I ran across the transcript of a speech given by Dr. Charles Murray at the 2009 Irving Kristol Lecture in Washington DC.  Dr. Murray is a social scientist and author who is most famously known for his controversial book, The Bell Curve (1994),that discusses the role of intelligence (IQ) in American Culture.

Recently, Dr. Murray has been studying happiness.  He approaches the topic from a government/public policy perspective, and much of what he says is probably beyond the interest of the general public.  You’re welcome to read the whole speech, but I thought it would be helpful to highlight a couple of passages that would liven our WorkPuzzle discussion.

1.  Dr. Murray does a great job of defining happiness:

“I start from this premise:  A human life can have transcendent meaning, with transcendence defined either by one of the world's great religions or one of the world's great secular philosophies.  If transcendence is too big a word, let me put it another way:  I suspect that almost all of you agree that the phrase "a life well-lived" has meaning.  That's the phrase I'll use from now on.

And since happiness is a word that gets thrown around too casually, the phrase I'll use from now on is "deep satisfactions."  I'm talking about the kinds of things that we look back upon when we reach old age and let us decide that we can be proud of who we have been and what we have done.  Or not.

To become a source of deep satisfaction, a human activity has to meet some stringent requirements.  It has to have been important (we don't get deep satisfaction from trivial things).  You have to have put a lot of effort into it (hence the cliché "nothing worth having comes easily").  And you have to have been responsible for the consequences.”

2.  Dr. Murray identifies the arenas in life where happiness are derived:

“There aren't many activities in life that can satisfy those three requirements.  Having been a good parent.  That qualifies.  A good marriage.  That qualifies.  Having been a good neighbor and good friend to those whose lives intersected with yours.  That qualifies.  And having been really good at something--good at something that drew the most from your abilities.  That qualifies.

Let me put it formally:  If we ask what are the institutions through which human beings achieve deep satisfactions in life, the answer is that there are just four:  family, community, vocation, and faith.  Two clarifications:  "Community" can embrace people who are scattered geographically.  "Vocation" can include avocations or causes.

It is not necessary for any individual to make use of all four institutions, nor do I array them in a hierarchy.  I merely assert that these four are all there are.  The stuff of life--the elemental events surrounding birth, death, raising children, fulfilling one's personal potential, dealing with adversity, intimate relationships--coping with life as it exists around us in all its richness--occurs within those four institutions.”

If you have the responsibility of coaching someone, these definitions can be very helpful in coming to a common understanding concerning the nature of happiness in a person’s life.  It is also useful  to have a framework for positioning work (vocation) among the other significant areas from which happiness can be derived.

Navy SEALs Have a "Growth Mindset"

My 14-year old son has a strong interest in the Navy SEALs.  He has read several books about this elite group of warriors and recently wrote a school paper describing their training methodologies.

I read last Friday’s WorkPuzzle article on the “growth mindset” to our family at the breakfast table.  It was an appropriate topic since we often discuss the importance of working hard and improving our abilities.

Upon hearing about the “growth mindset,” my son immediately piped up and said:

“Dad, this is a core principle of Navy SEAL training!  In order to acquire the abilities necessary to be a SEAL, a person must consistently be taken to the edge of their abilities - This makes a person feel like they are going to die.  At this point, those who believe that they can improve, push forward in the training.  Those who don’t have this belief, will voluntarily quit or Drop on Request (DOR).”

This is consistent with what the statistics show:

“SEAL training and duty is voluntary….  Classes typically lose around 70-80% of their trainees - either due to DORs or injuries sustained during training.  The Navy will not release exact numbers, either percentages or raw figures, of the attrition rate for BUD/S…

There is no way to predict what percentage of trainees will DOR during BUD/S.  SEAL instructors say that in every class, approximately 10 percent of the students do not have the physical ability to complete the training, and another 10-15 percent will make it through unless they sustain a serious physical injury.  The other 75-80 percent is "up for grabs."  During one BUD/S class, no one completed the six-month program!”

To make the numbers easy, let’s suppose a class consisted of ten people.  About three of the ten will be disqualified due to physical limitations (injury or lack of ability), and another three will make it through the training and become SEALS.

Why don’t the other four trainees make it?   Because of what is going on inside their mind.  It is not a direct physical limitation, but a mental limitation.  It is a belief that their abilities have reached an upper limit and they can no longer grow to meet the next challenge.  The “growth mindset” is part of what equips a person to see beyond the pain and persevere.

If you have the responsibility of coaching and managing those on your team, then it is likely that many of them are stuck in the belief that they have reached the limits of their abilities.  Help them see that their abilities can grow as their challenges grow.  Like the SEALs, some of them may grow into doing things they never thought possible.

The #1 Essential Belief for Coaches and Managers

I’ve been following the work of Stanford Professor Carol Dweck over the past few years concerning the research topic she calls “growth mindset.”   Her research on this subject is about as compelling for a coach or manager as anything that I have ever seen.

Simply stated, she has shown that people who have a growth mindset believe that they can increase their level of ability and intelligence through hard work.  This is especially true if a person believes they are at an initial disadvantage compared to others.

Dr. Dweck has consistently demonstrated that people who believe their intelligence and abilities are fixed respond dismally to failure. They often feel hopeless and depressed because they believe there is little they can do to change the outcome of their futures.

In the realm of education, she has even discovered that students who are taught about the growth mindset do remarkably better than those who receive traditional skills training (ex. study skills, time management skills, etc.)

It is not difficult to make the connection to the business world.  As a manager, you’ll have a much greater return on the time you spend with your direct reports if you apply these principles.  This may seem counterintuitive, but it is better to assess and build the growth mindset in those you coach than spend time teaching them the skill-based steps to success.

Check out this interview with Dr. Dweck for some interesting perspectives:

Note:  If you're an email subscriber, see the Dr. Dweck video by visiting WorkPuzzle. 

Like anything, you’ll need to internalize these ideas to effectively teach them to those you coach.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself on this topic: 
Do I have the growth mindset or a fixed mindset?

Do I feel anxious and depressed after failing?

Do I avoid tasks because of the fear of failure?

Do I put less effort into tasks because I feel hopeless about making progress?

Do I find that when I’m carrying out a task, I am worried about how good I look at it, rather than what I am learning from it?

Do I miss learning opportunities because of fear of failure?

Coaching in Tough Times: Stop the Worry

Scientists at the forefront of research on happiness and positive functioning have discovered that negative emotion always has the ability (as Martin Seligman describes it) “to trump” positive emotion. He and other researchers suggest that we have to “learn” to keep negative emotion in check and amplify positive feelings.

How do we do that?

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (who I’ve referenced in past articles as the researcher who prominently studies the brain’s state of flow) believes that unless we occupy our minds with directed thoughts, defined goals, and meaningful work, the brain defaults to a state of worry.

He states that in order to escape such psychic entropy, we must build lives that strive to control our thoughts and guide our attention to activities which provide psychological flow.   These are the activities that give positive feedback, demand concentration, require skill development, and strengthen our sense of purpose and achievement.

“… with nothing to do, the mind is unable to prevent negative thoughts from elbowing their way to center stage. Worries about one’s love life, health, investments, family, and job are always hovering at the periphery of attention, waiting until there is nothing pressing that demands concentration. As soon as the mind is ready to relax, zap! The potential problems that were waiting in the wings take over.” (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, 1990)

This evidence is consistent with every study done on resilience and survival. The only way to stave off worry and depression is to do build meaning and purpose into your life.   This means setting goals and building an action plan to reach those goals.  Not only does this make us less worrisome, we’re also happier under these conditions.

If you’re coaching or mentoring, build this belief system into your philosophy.

If you’re the one worrying, then spend some time reconnecting to your with your own sense of personal meaning and purpose.  Then get busy putting that purpose into action.   Remember, relaxation is only as good as the work you put in to truly feel you deserved it.

Coaching for Focus, Attention, and Success

Yesterday, I described the neuroscience regarding the importance of maintaining focus.  Brain research confirms that we can shape how our brains operate and perform by training them to focus intently on the desired end-result.  To do this with the most positive results, we must help the brain stop doing what its oldest parts are trying to do-- keep us alive!

You see, above all else, the brain's primary purpose is to keep us from dying.  How?  The brain does this by focusing on what can go wrong; by focusing on the dangers; by focusing on the obstacles; by focusing on the negative.  This is the brain's default position.

But, unlike other animals, we have this enormous cerebral cortex that surrounds the oldest part of the brain (the lymbic system).  If we always give in to the danger signals that the lymbic system is sending out, we'd rarely take chances, innovate, face rejection, or progress in our development.

Here's an example of how performance can be enhanced by training the brain to filter out obstacles and focus on the goal at hand:

I've been mountain biking for the past 14 years.  I'm by no means an expert, but I get by...  The first thing anyone learns in mountain biking technique 101, is that your bike will go where your eyes are looking.  If your eyes are looking at a tree, you'll hit the tree.  If you're looking at a rock, you'll hit the rock.

Now, your brain actually wants to look at the rock... it's literally screaming at you.. "There's a rock you idiot!  You'd better look at it...and while your at it slow down for crying out loud!" 

There are some people who will never progress in single track mountain biking because they can't train their minds to not look at the rock.  The people who become proficient bikers, are able to train their brain, over time, to focus ahead, around the upcoming curve, toward the open trail...to where they really want to go. 

This task takes discipline and repetition.  Soon your brain has realized, "I am not only staying alive by looking beyond the trees and rocks, I'm having pleasure and success by doing it this way!"

I've heard this same principle applies to race car driving.  At those speeds, you can't look at the wall.  If you do, your dead!

Success for you and those you manage is no different.  If your team is constantly looking at the obstacles, you'll inevitably hit them, head-on.  Likewise, if you're constantly looking at the "bad market," you'll be dragged down by it. 

Success comes to those who can train their team (self included) to look toward the vision, the goals, and the opportunities.  A culture built on this mind-set, is one that will survive and thrive, while the "others" out there will continue to hit trees...  

Coaching For Confidence

It's no secret that managing and coaching those around us can feel futile if those being coached lack confidence in their ability to succeed.  We've all witnessed talented people lose their spark and confidence, begin to wilt, and eventually begin to drop below performance standards.

A few nights ago, on "American Idol" (OK, I admitted I watch it.)  Simon asked a contestant, "Do you think that you can win this?"  Her answer, or lack thereof, proved that she clearly had serious doubts as to whether she could!

An expert on the subject of confidence explains:

"Confidence consists of positive expectations for favorable outcomes.  Confidence influences the willingness to invest - to commit money, time, reputation, emotional energy, or other resources - or to withhold or hedge investment.  This investment, or its absence, shapes the ability to perform.  In that sense, confidence lies at the heart of civilization.  Everything about an economy, a society, an organization, or a team depend on it.  Every step we take, every investment we make, is based on whether we feel we can count on ourselves and others to accomplish what has been promised.  Confidence determines whether our steps – individually or collectivity – are tiny and tentative or big and bold."  (Rosabeth Moss Kanter, Confidence: Leadership and the Psychology of Turnarounds, 2004)

In light of this information, I predict that our American Idol contestant won't make it much further in the competition!

Recruiting people is only the first stage of an ongoing process.  It's your job as a coach, manager, and/or mentor, to bring out the best in others, and that begins with assessing their confidence.  They have to believe that they can succeed in order to succeed.

If they lack confidence, here are some things you can do:

1. Ask them: "Do you believe that you will succeed?"  If they don't, or if they say yes in a tentative manner:

2. Then ask them what they believe the outcome will be if they don't really believe they can achieve their goals?  (Even though my graduate courses were over 23 years ago, I can tell you that those who believed they'd finish and do well, did!  Those who didn't have that confidence, failed!)

3. Once you have them talking about their uncertainty and its impact on their performance:  Ask them to remember a time when they did succeed - big time!  Get them to remember their attitude going into the situation.  What was their level of confidence?  Did they expect success?

5. And lastly, remind them that their best confidence comes when they aren't taking on important tasks and projects to bolster their ego, rather when they are doing it to contribute to clients, co-workers and society at large.  Only under these conditions can one sustain great performance.  Because when things don't go well, it's not about your ego, it's about your contribution!

Coaching to Remember Greatness

"It's a strange, strange time we're living in right now, where we've lowered our standards, in general, and we've gotten used to living with mediocrity.  And it bothers me.  Maybe you gotta be as old as I am to remember it, but growing up in the '60s, standards were set very, very high.  If I do nothing else, I want to remind people what greatness sounds like."

The words above were uttered by Steve Van Zandt, long time guitarist for Bruce Springsteen's "E  Street Band" and founder and host of "Little Steven's Underground Garage Show." 

Although Steve is comparing the music of today with the music of the 60's and 70's, we can all relate to times when mediocrity is present among us. 

Think back to the times in your life when you've achieved tremendous success....those moments when you've realized, "I have the capacity and the will to do something great."  This isn't a conceited or narcissistic statement.  It's a window into a chance to shine and contribute in a way that's at your highest potential.

If you've had any access to the media over the last few weeks, you've certainly witnessed Susan Boyle's phenomenal performance on "Britain's got Talant."

Why is it that the world loves this story?  Why have millions of people searched YouTube to see it?  A client of mine put it this way:

"Because we all like being reminded that we have that greatness within."

If you mentor, manage or coach people in any way, it's your first priority to find a way to help them realize their potential.  Remind them that they are capable of greatness.  Many will resist the idea, and some will never uncover their hidden capacity for greatness.  But, it's there....in all of us, just waiting to be tapped.

Let this message serve as a reminder to never become complacent at drawing greatness out in others, and out of yourself.  For those of you who are adept at identifying greatness... I'll see you at the next Bruce concert! 

We Have Some Lazy Managers!

I can't tell you how many times I have heard this statement over the years!  I just Googled "Lazy Managers" and came up with four full pages of content.  What do we make of this trend?

If it is indeed a trend, then there is something seriously wrong with how the jobs of managers are managed.  It is highly unlikely that all of these people get away with being lazy up until the day they are promoted into management. 

I presume that most people who claim "Some of my managers are lazy" probably really mean that, "They are not motivated to do what I have asked them to do."  If we were to go one step further, it means, "We don't share the same priorities."  Another step... "We don't agree on strategy."

If you agree with the latter explanation for those we perceive to be "lazy managers," you can help your organization begin working toward a solution.  Specifically, this entails working collectively to establish priorities and develop a strategy that is aligned with your company's goals. 

Below is one example of a difference in priority with regard to recruiting.  You will see how differing beliefs can quickly spiral into poor business decisions from both ends - managers and those to whom they report. 

As most of you know, we at Tidemark have worked very hard at solving some of the problems that plague most recruiting strategies.  We strive to provide a consistent, scalable system to attract, follow-up, and recruit high caliber new agents.  We've built a non-gimmicky system that simply works. This is an outsourced system - We source the candidates and deliver high numbers consistently.

One of the obstacles we face is the belief among Owners or GM's that having sourcing, appointment setting, and follow-up provided for managers, will make them "lazy."  To me, this is like saying that letting your college student use the internet for research, will make them lazy.

You can quickly see that the real problem is not laziness, but a difference in agreed upon priority, and perhaps fuzzy strategy. If managers don't really buy into their priority of recruiting new agents, they won't do it- no matter what.

Those who do view recruiting as a priority and central to their strategy, will use Tidemark's HiringCenter to augment what they're already doing (not replace), thus gaining a competitive advantage.  We clearly see differences in recruiting priority in the numbers that are generated by our clients, including differences between offices.

So, it really comes down to agreeing upon priorities, which begins with agreeing on strategy.  Tomorrow, I will discuss the advantages of having a clear recruiting strategy...