As a real estate hiring manager, you probably have a substantial number of competitive agents who are acquaintances.

If you saw one of these acquaintances at a closing, you’d recognize her, and she’d probably recognize you.

If you ran into one of these agents at a networking event, you might even start the conversation with, “Hi Sarah, we met a few months ago when you were representing a seller on a transaction where I assisted in resolving some of the title issues.”  And a professional conversation would ensue.

These acquaintances are a rich source of potential hires. But, very few hiring managers are able to take advantage of this potential. Why? It’s harder than it looks to turn acquaintances into trusted colleagues and trusted colleagues into hires.

A little coaching from a psychologist who specializes in relationships may help make this easier…

Art Aron’s Interpersonal Relationship Lab

In the quaint beach town of Stony Brook, New York, Dr. Art Aron and his wife Elaine (also a psychologist), head a “laboratory” that studies relationships.

For a couple of decades, they studied the health of relationships. They asked the question: If you have an interpersonal relationship with someone, how can science make it better?

Some of their work is groundbreaking, including a widely used inventory to increase intimacy for couples who are considering long-term relationships.

However, in the late ‘90s, Dr. Aron started asking a new question.

Can science help turn strangers into friends?

The Importance of Self-Disclosure

Up to this point, his research had focused on improving the health of relationships that were already underway. His new question was something researchers were just starting to consider.

Through a series of experiments involving strangers who volunteered for the research (think speed-dating with a little more structure), Dr. Aron discovered something interesting: The type of questions you ask someone when you first meet makes a big difference in how the relationship forms.

More specifically, if your questions (and the questions of the other person) involve just factual information, the relationship will probably not progress past acquaintance level.

This is commonly called “small talk,” and it involves asking questions such as:

What do you do for a living? 

How long have you worked in that line of business? 

Are you planning on taking a vacation this summer?

By contrast, if the questions asked during the initial interaction are slightly more personal and involve a small amount of self-disclosure, the relationship progresses differently.

Here are some examples of questions involving more self-disclosure:

What would constitute a perfect day for you?

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

It may take a little practice, but a good conversationalist can work these types of questions into a business exchange.

What’s the purpose of doing this? According to Dr. Aron, this small change makes a big difference when it comes to moving relationships beyond the acquaintance stage.

If you think about it, this has wide and far-reaching implications on the work of recruiting. We’ll cover some of those in the next WorkPuzzle.

Between now and then, try out a few of the self-disclosure questions during your next interaction with an acquaintance in your network. See if you notice a difference in how the connection to this person feels.

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