WorkPuzzle

How to Effectively Deal with Resistance

In the last edition, I described the psychology of why people become resistant after initially feeling and acting excited about a proposition that requires change.  Specifically, I described this very natural human reaction within the realm of recruiting.  

I won't repeat what I've described already in my last two editions (1, 2).  Instead, I will focus today on what to do when you meet resistance or a sudden change in direction.  

Let's say that an excited candidate, who has been positive about the prospect of beginning the licensing process, suddenly says:  "I'm no longer interested." 

What do you do? 

Before I tell you what to do, allow me to describe, instead, how to think about it:

Do you believe that this candidate has no internal conflict in their head about the decision?  In other words, do you really think that they are that adamant about not moving forward?  The answer is NO.  They DO have internal conflict.  The only reason that they sound adamant about their decision to initiate an about-face, is to ward off their own internal conflict.  They are, in essence, pushing the conflict outside of their head. 

You see, the anxiety that comes with change is temporarily diminished when we allow ourselves to believe that something is a "bad decision."  At that point, it really doesn't matter what reasons we come up with to justify our decision to remain stuck and resist change; Our objective is to not have to consider both sides of the argument.  

So, what does the above scenario cause you--the recruiter, salesperson, or manager--to do?  

If we don't know any better, it causes us to take up the other side of the argument, and begin to come up with numerous statements and explanations to counter their reasons.  This is the fatal error.  As you take on the other side of the argument, you leave the candidate free to bolster their side of the argument.  Game Over!  Once you've done this, you've lost all power and credibility.  You are no longer viewed as someone who is simply helping facilitate the best decision, rather, you've become in the eye of the candidate, someone who is in it for your own selfish reasons.  

So, what do you do instead?  

You must force the candidate to take the conflict back within their own head, rather than construct this duel.  How do you do this?  You must simply reiterate what you have observed in their behavior and speech that represents both sides of the argument.  For example:

"Two days ago, you said that you were very excited about going to licensing school, had enjoyed meeting our agents and manager, felt as if it fit you and who you are, and now you are saying it's not for you.... What happened between then and now?" 

Get them talking and owning their flip-flop...not to make a point, but to drive them back to the whole dilemma, which is their anxiety around change.  

If you catch yourself wanting the change more than they do, you will lose.  That NEVER works.  There must be a certain amount of indifference to the outcome...very warm and friendly indifference, but indifference.  The more indifferent you are to the outcome, the more bold you become in your observations and questions.  

So, here is a quick checklist to refer to when dealing with resistance: 

1. You can't want it more than they do. 
2. Force the conflict back into the their head.
3. Patiently make comments that force them to answer the question:  Where did the positive reasons disappear to? 
4. Exercise the power of warm, friendly, persistent, and hopeful indifference.  

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

Understanding Resistance

In the last edition, I described the importance of understanding the psychological principle of self-activation, and how to take advantage of a candidate's first step toward joining your company. 

In closing, I described what is a natural reaction for most people to their initial steps toward any change...that reaction being anxiety and a depressed mood.  That's right, it is absolutely natural for most candidates to demonstrate enthusiasm and excitement when they first consider a new opportunity.  But don't count on this newfound excitement lasting very long.  You see, excitement and fear are opposite sides of the same coin -- A candidate usually oscillates back and forth between these two emotions before, hopefully, settling somewhere in between and reaching a rational decision. 

If you have been discouraged in your recruiting efforts by your candidates' inability to maintain enthusiasm throughout the recruitment process, you need to understand that your candidate is likely experiencing something psychologist refer to as the defense triad.  If you don't understand this triad and deal with it as it arises, you might as well jump into the nearest sumo wrestling ring.  You will lose the fight.  

The Defense goes like this:  Self-Activation, leads to Anxiety, which leads to Defense.  

What this means is that once a person begins to experience anxiety, they will come up with a multitude of reasons why they can no longer consider moving in the direction they were just previously excited about.  And not only that, they will not budge an inch! 

Now, you'd think that it would be difficult to differentiate between a defense that is rational...and defense that isn't.  Take for instance, a candidate who says on Wednesday, "I am thrilled with the possibility of finding out more and seeing if this may be in my future."  And then on Friday says, "NO.. I'm really not interested now," or "I just spoke to my spouse who says this isn't a good plan."  These are most likely defenses.  How do I know?  Because the initial interaction was one of reciprocal discussion, but now they don't want any feedback.  Whenever someone does this kind of about-face, and you are suddenly treated like a threat, the person is truly acting out of a defense against their own first step of self-activation.  

You see, the only time that we are all very comfortable with first steps and change is when we are young.  Fortunately for most of us, we don't mind falling a few times before learning to stand on our own, or falling harder a few times before walking or running on our own.  But, as people get older, we resist change and become more attached to security and familiarity, even if we are bored with the familiar.  Research shows that if we get too bored, we don't grow and can't enjoy what we do.  We must continually challenge ourselves to remain vital. 

Unfortunately, educating the candidate about the above won't help.  Instead, you must understand how to deal with resistance when you see it.  In the next edition, I'll give you some insight on how to best do this in a way that leaves you more relaxed than you can imagine.

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

The Importance of Self-Activation

If you've ever attended any of our presentations, you've heard both Ben and I refer to Self-Activation, a concept that is the foundation on which much of our recruiting platform is built. 

What is Self Activation you ask?

Allow me to begin by explaining what it is not.  If someone were to call you right this minute, and ask if you'd like to purchase one of their new or used cars, what would you say?  My hunch is that you would quickly interrupt their sales pitch and tell them to never call again.  Why is this?  There are several reasons, but the primary issue is that you have done nothing to demonstrate any interest whatsoever.  This is the coldest of cold calls.  They are chasing you, much like a predator chases its prey -- the target (you in this case) has never taken step one towards demonstrating any interest in the product. 

On the other hand, let's say you drive on to a local car lot, and someone approaches you... Are you offended?  I hope not.  Of course you might say something like, "Allow me to look around a bit" and then later ask him/her questions.  But their approaching you is completely reasonable and expected because you're taking the first step.  The first step is another way of understanding self-activation.  The act of you driving to the dealership to look at cars is one form of self-activation toward the ultimate goal, purchasing a car.  If "self-activation" were on one side of a continuum, the other side would be disinterest, and in the middle would be apathy.  

If you've ever tried to teach a child to swim... oh, how important is it to let that first step be theirs!  Right?  Because if you force the issue, they will resist it for months to come.  How to establish the perfect conditions to get them to take that first step, is the primary problem to solve.  

In whatever you do, whether it be sales, recruiting, or management...begin to consider how to watch for, and even actively elicit from others, forms of self-activation.  Without the other party self-activating, you are stuck in the very weak position of wanting something more than they do.  That never works. 

So, the question that we continually ask ourselves in order to assist you in attaining more candidates and to build software systems to track those candidates is, "How do we elicit a self-activation from people who have never thought about working in real estate before?"  Without going into great detail, we attempt to understand the pain that ordinary people feel, and use this knowledge to appeal to that pain in a way that resonates with reality. 

Once the candidate takes the CCI and expresses interest in being contacted, they have activated their "self" to do  something unusual and new, thereby leaving the door open for you to pursue them for an interview.  Voila!  No cold call.  

In your work, how can you spend more of your time talking to people who have already taken steps toward you without wasting time pursuing people who are running the other way?

1. Identify the pain of your target audience
2. Identify the answer for that pain
3. Identify ways that you might already have access to that target audience (people you could truly help)  
4. Identify easy steps that you can take with them with little commitment in each step
5. Have a solution that addresses their pain

You might be saying, "...but many of these warm leads seem to resist the very thing that they have shown interest in."

That is absolutely normal and should be anticipated.  In the next edition, I'll share with you how to deal with the defense that usually follows self-activation.

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

The Internet, Your Brain, and Your Legacy

Last week, I ventured out to the golf course alone, and was paired with three twenty-something guys who looked to be a polite and pleasant group with whom to play a round of golf on a beautiful Seattle summer day.  Unfortunately, one of the three spent the entire round on his iPhone.  If he wasn't texting, he was accepting, or worse, making calls.  On four occasions we all had to wait several minutes for him to end his calls before he addressed his ball.  While I would typically say something, I was curious to see if his friends would ever confront their friend on his rude and distracting behavior.  They never did.  

Since that round of golf, I encountered the following article from Michael Hyatt that addresses some of the recent science around internet usage and its impact on us.  It offers some very helpful suggestions to guide our use.  In it, he refers to a Newsweek article of the same name:

"A few years ago, people were ridiculed for suggesting that the Internet was having a negative impact on our minds.  But, now the proof is starting to stack up.

'The first good, peer-reviewed research is emerging, and the picture is much gloomier than the trumpet blasts Web Utopians have allowed.  The current incarnation of the Internet—portable, social, accelerated, and all-pervasive—may be making us not just dumber and lonelier, but more depressed and anxious, prone to obsessive-compulsive and attention-deficit disorders, even outright psychotic.  Our digitized minds scan like those of drug addicts, and normal people are breaking down in sad and seemingly new ways.'

The problem is that we are continuously connected.  Thanks to smart phones and other technologies, we have almost become cyborgs—creatures that are half human, half machine.

Here are some interesting facts from the Newsweek article:

• On average, Americans stare at some type of computer screen for eight hours a day.
• When President Obama ran for office last time, the iPhone had yet to be launched.
• Now smart phones outnumber regular ones.  More than a third of users get online BEFORE they even get out of bed.
• The average person, regardless of age, sends or receives about 400 text messages a month—four times the 2007 number.
• The average teen processes an astounding 3,700 texts per month, double the 2007 figure.

Again, quoting from the Newsweek article,

'Altogether the digital shifts of the last five years call to mind a horse that has sprinted out from underneath its rider, dragging the person who once held the reins.  No one is arguing for some kind of Amish future.  But the research is now making it clear that the Internet is not ‘just’ another delivery system.  It is creating a whole new mental environment, a digital state of nature where the human mind becomes a spinning instrument panel, and few people will survive unscathed.'

New brain scan technology shows that our brains are being rewired.  Heavy Web users have fundamentally altered prefrontal cortexes.  The brains of Internet addicts, it turns out, look like the brains of drug and alcohol addicts.  Even worse, Chinese researchers have shown that our grey matter—the part of the brain responsible for the processing of speech, memory, motor control, emotion, sensory, and other information—is shrinking or atrophying.

Numerous studies show that the more a person hangs out online, the worse they are likely to feel.  Web use often displaces sleep, exercise, and face-to-face exchanges, all of which can lead to loneliness, a sense of isolation, and depression."

Michael offers three possible responses:

1. "Withdrawal.  You just “Go Amish,” delete your social media accounts, and swear off the Internet.
2. Immersion.  You shrug your shoulders, give up, and keep marching with the lemmings right over the cliff.
3. Moderation.  You become intentional about your Internet usage, understanding that it’s a double-edged sword."

In addition he offers these five helpful positive disciplines to aid you in avoiding the dangers of over-saturation:

1. "The discipline of rest.
2. The discipline of reflection.
3. The discipline of reading.
4. The discipline of relationships.
5. The discipline of recreation."

I'll add two more to this list:  

6. Embrace the present:  When you are around the company of others, focus on them and the interaction, rather than focusing on someone else who isn't even there (especially those with children);

7. Know the legacy you'd like to leave.  To do our jobs well, many of us need to interact on the computer much of the day.  But, remember to ask yourself...What impact do I want to leave on this world?  If it's posting the most exciting pictures of your fabulous life and spending the day peering at the lives of others, you will probably miss some interesting, real, face-to-face interactions.  

I want to emphasize that we all must embrace to varying degrees the new technologies of staying connected, marketing and conversing with our target audiences. But, don't forget to also stay connected in a real and present manner, as it may change your brain and your life for the better.  

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

Balancing Innovation and Stability

Some of our readers have commented on what appears to be an occasional conflict in our message, especially when we refer to innovation.  At times we emphasize the topic of stability and the unchanging fundamentals of human nature, and then we refer to the vital importance of innovation.  How could these seemingly contradictory messages co-exist?

I'm not sure that this can be answered in one blog, but I'll make a couple comments to help us think through the psychological ramifications of both extremes.  By extremes, I mean that they can be viewed as opposite ends of a continuum, with blind innovation on one end, and rigid stability on the other.

Psychologically, the need or proclivity for stability can be driven by fear.  Whereas constant need for innovation can be driven by impatience, lack of persistence, and impulsivity.

There are currently so many new innovations in technology alone...social media, cloud computing, and mobility are all equally hot topics right now.  So how does a company balance the need for these new technologies, while also maintaining their older, established systems and solutions?

The common understanding in Organizational Psychology, is that there must be a delicate balance and more importantly, you must be aware of why you favor either side of the continuum.  Are you always fighting for stability and resisting change?  Or, are you always leaning towards innovation?  I can tell you that I tend to lean toward innovation, and have slowly made my journey towards balancing that with stability and patience within the last ten years.

For you more impulsive types who seek to innovate everything, you might experiment with recalling instances where your patience and persistence with the status quo paid off.  In contrast, those of you who cling to stability might surround yourselves with people who ask questions that seem bizarre.  Typically, the more odd the questions appear to be, the more likely they are to possibly lead to something better.

A case in point...While Sony was asking "How can we build the smallest MP3 player," Apple was asking "How do we make listening to music cool."  We all know where this led.

So... I continue to listen to basically the same music....but in a very different way.

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

Confessions of a System Innovator

In my last blog, I described the importance of following and executing a system for any lasting success or improvement to take shape.  I used the example of my ups and downs with regard to my physical workouts over the last 25 years to drive home the vital importance of following and measuring results though a proven system.  My final points were as follows:

1. Find and follow a system. 
2. Do not venture off of the system. 
3. Have someone hold you accountable to the system. 
4. Compete with someone who uses the same system.
5. Track your results and aim for constant improvement.

Now here comes my confession:  While I had been largely following my well-established workout "system," I couldn't help myself.... I had to innovate some variations of my own plan.  

Now the eventual fallout of my innovated system, is that I didn't experience the improvements others had been describing for the last several decades.  So, I did some online research in an effort to figure out what might be going on with my lack of constant improvement, and I found the following emphatic words written on a forum by someone who has trained others to use this system.  He said:  "What is it with you people who think you can alter a system that has been around for four decades?  Do you have some sort of attention deficit disorder, or do you think that you are so special that you can invent a new way of doing something that has been honed by 10's of thousands of people?"  He went on to conclude:  "Listen Carefully.. Don't MESS (he used another word) with the system! Don't add, delete or alter it in anyway.  Follow it and it will work!"   

I needed to read those words, and I needed to read them in that tone to really get it.  So, what is the lesson here?  Why am I reminding you of something that appears to be common knowledge?  Because we all are guilty of innovation when it's not needed.  Why do we do this?  I believe the following are some reasons for our tendency to wander off the system path: 

1. We think that we are facing unique challenges that require a different angle. 
2. We feel bored with the system and want to entertain or stimulate ourselves with variety.
3. We get lazy.  Systems can be mundane and take energy to execute well.
4. We think we're smarter than we really are. 

I'm beginning to believe that one of the primary reasons that McDonald's is so successful, is that it is managed by 24-year-olds and executed by 16-year-olds, who are too young and green to make the erroneous assumption -- "I might know a better way."  

If you are a manager of agents, take it upon yourself to meet with all your struggling agents to investigate in detail what they are actually doing daily.  Get them to sign up for Toggl (time management) and categorize their efforts into the primary tasks that drive success and see if their real time matches their imagined time spent in those activities. 

If you are an owner, CEO, or GM, and you haven't been getting the recruiting results you're accustomed too, peer into your systems that measure activities and see for yourself what is actually happening.  

We all get off course - That's going to happen.  But sometimes we need others to remind us to not "MESS with the system."  I'm back on track, following someone else's system... How about you?

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

Why your success must follow a System

If you are like me, you are reluctant to follow too many systems in your life.  Many of us feel that adhering to a system is restraining and robs us of our freedom...much like being in a cage.  But, if I survey my life honestly, anything that I have ever achieved has required the implementation of some sort of disciplined system. 

Take my physical conditioning for example... I have regularly worked out at least three days per week since 1986.  Now, you might believe that this, in and of itself, would qualify as an adequate system to keep me in shape.  But at a closer look, we all know how easy it is to go to the gym without a clear plan and perhaps maintain some level of conditioning, but not really improve.  In fact, I would say that I deteriorate over time... without a recorded system.

Conversely, when I have a plan, I adhere to it, record my improvements, and remain accountable to the plan.  In a nutshell, I'm not approaching my workout haphazardly.  It is during these periods that I can see and feel tremendous progress.  

What if I told you that one of the most successful businesses in the world is executed by 16-year- olds and managed by 24-year-olds?  Would you believe me?  The secret is the consistent, unfailing execution of a system.  The company is McDonald's. 

What do you need to improve on?  What area of your business or your life needs to experience growth?  Once you know, do the following:

1. Find and follow a system. 
2. Do not venture off of the system. 
3. Have someone hold you accountable to the system. 
4. Compete with someone who uses the same system.
5. Track your results and aim for constant improvement.

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

Why Scripts Might Kill Your Recruiting -- Part 2

In my last blog, I shared with you why many of the tips being written regarding how to recruit Gen X's will (in my opinion) fail.  Many such tips focus on how Gen 'Xs are "so different than the rest of us."  In my opinion, this is very dangerous thinking.  To summarize, I said that if scripts are used to replace the fundamentals, like showing curiosity about a person's story, not only will they not work, but they will actually turn candidates off.

Whether you recruit or sell, the art of fully understanding a person's pain is ALWAYS the most important thing for you to master...and the quest for this information is never as simple as a script.  The following interaction is a great example of the power that can be gained, just by learning about your customer.  The strategy this salesperson uses can be applied, not only to sales, but also to recruiting, dating, marriage, raising children, and almost any credibility building activity.

Last Saturday I ventured into a golf store with the intention of buying golf shoes that I had seen on sale in the Seattle Times ad section, listed for $59.  I was in the store a total of 30 minutes, and left with $200 Ecco golf shoes, and I was happy about it.  How on earth did this happen?  

The sales guy never approached me with anything resembling a script.  He did not sell.  Instead, he allowed me, first, to try on the cheapy golf shoes I had seen in the ad, while he began to ask a series of very important questions in the most natural and unassuming way:

"How many years have you been playing?" (answer = since I was 10 years old)

"How old are you now?" (Answer = 52)

"How many pairs of shoes have you bought in those 42 Years" (answer = 4)

"Why are you buying now?" (answer = I am sore the next day when I walk a golf course with my existing twelve-year-old shoes).

All that remained to do was help me connect the painfully obvious logic that my cheapskate mind was avoiding:

"So let's see...If you are not going to buy another pair for ten years, and you play 15-20 rounds of golf per year, and prefer to walk, then even if you get the Ecco golf shoes (the easiest on the feet) - You'll only be paying an additional $1 per round of golf for enormous comfort, for the next ten years."  

Hmmm...  He practiced what most salesmen forget -- understanding the pain and the resistance before offering a solution.  He would NEVER have been able to sell me those shoes without asking me that list of questions.

I'm not saying that scripts don't have their place.  Of course they do.  But, I am witnessing a trend where they appear to be replacing the fundamentals.

So what questions do you ask?  Why are you asking them?  Everyone has varying needs, pain, and resistance...and you don't know this information, until you begin asking.

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

Why using Scripts might kill your recruiting

I realize that using scripts for both selling and recruiting in the real estate industry has been one of the most sacredly protected principles over the last century.  I recently read a fairly long list of scripts used for both selling and recruiting, and found myself bristling at the thought of having someone use them on me.  I'm not sure that they would work.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that they would turn me off.

Now, maybe I'm more hypersensitive than most to being treated like a "target" rather than a person...but I don't think so.  I know that what I am about to say, I have said before, but I will say it again:  People want and need to be understood in every human interaction. 

In the May 21^st and May 28^th editions, I shared a fairly in-depth backdrop to the topic of how to build attunement in order to build attachment.  But, contrary to what I was saying...if, on the other hand, a manager focuses on scripts without a deep understanding of how Attunement and Attachment fit into recruiting and retention, then their "pitch" will never be accepted by the smartest people. 

Much of what is being written about tips on how to recruit Generation X's will (in my opinion) take many managers off into the weeds when trying to recruit.  Many of these tips focus on how Gen X's are "so different than the rest of us."  In my opinion, this is very dangerous thinking.  If we try to get "tricky" with trying to pitch to Gen X candidates in the "right way," we miss the point.  And the point is:  Human nature NEVER changes!!  

There are far more similarities than differences between every generation, and most psychological research would confirm this.  The common denominator that we all need to know is that people want to be attached to leaders who are genuinely curious about who they are, and what they want.  They want leaders who are willing to teach them what they know, and who will mentor and speak into their lives, and/or introduce them to existing successful peers who can do this.  One of our clients, when interviewing a new agent candidate, routinely calls an existing (successful) agent that is within that person's age group and gender, to be at the office at the time of the interview.  Simple, but smart! 

In the next edition, I'll share with you another theory I have about the difficulty with hiring Generation X candidates, and tell you an interesting story about a golf store salesman who practices much of what I've shared above. 

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.

2 Keys to Recruiting and Retention

In two previous blog editions (1, 2), I pointed out several reasons why it's more important to listen than to speak during the interview process.  I promised to provide the keys as to why listening is so important on a psychological level. 

There are two interrelated concepts that are key components that you need to understand in order to recruit and retain better:  Attunement and Attachment.  More specifically, Attunement leads to Attachment.

Let's first look at attunement.  Attunement is a term that psychiatrist, Daniel Stern, discovered and researched at length in the relationship between mothers and their babies.  It turns out that mothers who mother well, somehow intuitively understand that "tuning in" to their baby's emotional state is a very active process.  Mothers who understand this spend a great deal of "face time" trying to "read" and "match" their child's emotional state.  We've all done this.  When a child smiles, we smile.  When they are sad and frown, we frown.  We do this, subconsciously, to build very deep and enduring attachment. 

Stern discovered that the mothers who didn't practice this attunement, didn't build strong or lasting attachments with their children.  As the children matured, they felt less and less grief when their mother wasn't around if their mother hadn't provided this type of attunement.  

From Stern's work, researchers have found several common applications among adults.  Specifically, they found that adults need attunement as well.  Adults too, need to be understood, empathized with, and generally given fairly frequent feedback about how they are doing and check-ins with how they are feeling, in order to build these attachments. 

Some of you do this naturally with your candidates and agents, and now understand why you build such lasting attachments with your team.  Others need to work hard at getting away from unhealthy self-aggrandizement and begin understanding others better.

Here is a quick definition of attunement or empathy:  where the observed experiences of others come to affect our own thoughts and feelings.  If what we say and what we offer is disconnected from what our candidate is feeling and thinking, we will miss our chance at building that important, but elusive, attachment. 

What value does attunement have? 

1. It enables you to step outside your world and yourself and into their world. 
2. It enables you to tailor your behavior to the expectations of others. 
3. It creates smoother, more varied social interactions.
4. It reduces social disruptions
5. It helps you anticipate conflict
6. It enables you to better acknowledge the needs of others

All the above then leads to an increased sense of attachment.  And I can guarantee you this: we can't build attachment by listening to ourselves talk about us... 

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Editor's Note: This article was written by Dr. David Mashburn. Dave is a Clinical and Consulting Psychologist, a Partner at Tidemark, Inc. and a regular contributor to WorkPuzzle. Comments or questions are welcome. If you're an email subscriber, reply to this WorkPuzzle email. If you read the blog directly from the web, you can click the "comments" link below.